❝ you are a bright window in the prison called life. […] without you, my heart is an empty theater. how could i survive the world with such a weak heart? i wouldn’t last a day. you, my rainy April, i will protect you till the end of the world.
i will never cease to stress the fact that it feels like i was given a second chance at life thanks to you. i actually did a lot of self-reflecting before the news broke out — can i just say i have never experienced so many wake-up calls until i’ve come to acknowledge your existence? i remember being angry, blanketed with the sense of sadness i’ve only experienced when i was a kid after something similar happened to a relative, and then finally, relief: you’re still alive.
i can only dream to have even half the warmth and honesty you often wear with confidence, the way you express yourself with little to no effort, without restraint, and how your eyes are often dressed in incredible amounts of sincerity — human emotions that most people in society often shield away because how dare they allow the seams of their metallic structure break free to release what our species are actually born to be: in the words of Willian Ury, we are reaction machines. we are meant to feel, express, interact, and more than anything, love.
i remember someone asked me once before, “what is Kim Jonghyun to Jessica?” i think i can finally answer this without hesitation. to Jessica, Kim Jonghyun is the pinnacle of strength, honesty, faith, inspiration, motivation, dreams, courage, love, and nearly every positive notion ever. but, this one is the most important to me because without it, i honestly wouldn’t be here — hope. you gave me hope and belief in the idea that i have enough potential to become the kind of person i’ve always wanted to be. you planted a seed within the garbage dump of negativity within me and allowed me to nourish it and suddenly, i can finally see the sunlight no matter where i go, whatever i endure through life. thank you for giving me several reasons to live.
they say we should surround ourselves with people who bring out the best in us. you’re only a stranger, someone i can only appreciate from a distance, but i’ve found i’m content even with that. i’ve learned the art of wishing the best for others, hoping their life will always be filled with experiences, lessons waiting to be taught, and happiness to be noticed in the smallest things — for me, that all started with you.
since mid-2011, i’ve encountered a number of events that hurt me, made me cry, fester in my own anger and self-destruction. whenever i thought i’ve improved, gotten better, it seems there was something out there to remind me that i probably haven’t. but, through it all, my admiration for you was unwavering and the encouraging, wonderful things you often say in those interviews and even in the late hours on twitter echoes within the cavern of my mind — you know, although 2013 had a mildly rough beginning, i’ve never been happier. it feels like i’ve found my happy medium. i am where i am supposed to be with the people i feel the most comfortable with. i’ve always joked to myself, “he gave me these friends. i wouldn’t have met them without him” — i guess it’s not a joke anymore, rather it’s a realization that through you, i feel like i’ve received the entire world.
what would i do without you? i often ask myself that and i always feel this ridiculous need to cry. i was so sad before, so angry, always holding grudges, never forgiving, hating everyone and everything. i was incredibly toxic, vile — i might as well have been akin to pollution or something. you’ve made a soldier out of a weakling like me.
it’s interesting, though. i’ve learned something new from you recently although i’m not sure what triggered it. i wonder if i read something you’ve said on a recent interview, watched little tidbits of your personality peek through during the episodes of Wonderful Day, or something completely unrelated. i’ve started to accept and love my flaws because for once in my life, i’ve started to accept and love the flaws of someone else. and, it’s thanks to that i’ve become more lenient. although i won’t come to love certain kinds of people, i’d like to believe maybe, somewhere, there’s something great about them waiting to be found.
i can go on and on about you, but that’s enough for one day, right? i’m such a broken record and as i’ve said before, words always fail me when it comes to you. there’s so much love and gratitude jumbled up, i can never make sense of most of them because these thought bubbles overlap and all i’m capable of is capslocking and keysmashing, but at least with things like this — i can document them, a memento of some sort, so i can look back and remember who’s responsible for saving me and how much you really do mean to me.
you have this cute habit of telling people to take care of themselves, so it’s our turn! please take care and get well soon because without you, the world becomes dimmer than usual. without your smile, your laugh, your voice, the facets of who you are which you’ve displayed to us so far — things would be really different, not only for me, but for others as well. you’ve made happier people out of a number of us. i can only hope that you will/can/do feel this overwhelming happiness on a regular basis. happy birthday, sunshine! ♥ thank you for everything.
❝ you’re not a bad person. you’re a terrific person. you’re my favorite person.